Look, I know you avid readers have long been looking for more than just the tip of the iceferg (me), clamoring for days, flooding my inbox, and begging in the streets with one simple question – how do I explain my seemingly random love for some teams and seething hatred for others? (All of this last bit is fabricated, I have only one reader, my girlfriend. Maybe two readers since my dad humors me reading all this before telling me to “get a job”) One man in particular, a fan from suckstown otherwise known as , yells at me for the teams I root for. So once and for all, I want to lay down why I like certain teams. If you want to challenge my fanhood after reading this we’ll have to rochambo.
Teams that I root for in all situations
The Hoya Basketball team
You might ask why I exclude the football team and here’s why. I watched them get their faces tap danced on by Yale in their home stadium that was smaller than the stadium I shone on in junior high. And by shone I mean I threw wobbly passes and fanned at ball carriers regularly.
Look I go to and thus am obligated to love their basketball team. I love JTIII’s shiny bald head, I love that we beat both teams that played in the national championship game last year. I love that we run the offense which has been giving white guy’s a chance to win basketball games in the Big Dance for ages. (This just in, we don’t have any white guys)
I love that in the line at our cafeteria my Freshman year Roy Hibbert told me that his mother’s chicken wings were better than the wings I was waiting for. I love Roy Hibbert. I will always be a die hard basketfall fan as a result of my attendance to that historic university. PS suck it .
The Cowboys
I grew in from the age of ten on, but my allegiance to God’s ’s team began far before that. My pops, who will be henceforth be called The Dude because of his striking resemblance to Jeff Bridges, grew up overseas in the 70s. He had two choices, love the Steelers or Cowboys as they were the only team that made the news. As he foresaw that one franchise would have a quarterback implicated in multiple sexual assaults and did not want to associate himself with that kind of misogyny, he wisely chose the Cowboys. Thus, from birth I was told to love the ‘Boys. The thirteen year playoff drought during my formative years has imbued my with a healthy level of skepticism for the Cowboys. I am only enough to remember them defeating the Steelers in ’96 and then have watched them sink into mediocrity. I reached the mountain too early, before I could really understand or savor. It was like having a chance with the most beautiful woman in the world, and then for 13 years, having your gonads put in a George Foreman Grille. And yet, despite my charbroiled gonads, I remain a diehard and dedicated fan.
The Wolverines
My mother’s family is from and they have funny Midwestern accents. They also loathe Notre Dame (which is ironic bc we’re Irish) and literally have family get togethers every year to watch the Ohio State-Michigan game. My mother and I, estranged from them as we are down in , are forced to watch the game in solitude. We play a pirated copy of the theme song and eat wings (Note to : my mother’s wings are also better than our cafeterias) and watch our beloved Mayes’n’ Blue get dominated once again by the Buckeyes. I generally call my grandpa (really the only time I call my grandpa because he hates talking on the phone) to discuss the team’s prospects each year. My love for goes deep and the first prayer I can ever remember offering up begged the Lord to let hit a field goal against Texas A&M. God did not answer my prayer. Anyway, my other did not feel strongly about the Lions but did feel strongly about , conversely my father didn’t give two hoots about the Jayhawks football team. Thus I ended up a fan of and .
I don’t really have any other dominate allegiances to any sports team. I support Purdue (lived in for six years), the Colts for the same reasons, whatever team Lebron plays for (although our relationship is lukewarm right now after the team I kindly asked him not to go to. I always knew there was something going on between he and DWade, him hiding his texts, coming home late with that distinctive Miami + DWade smell on his jacket) the Chicago WhiteSox, and the Detroit Redwings.
Teams that I hate (with a deep abiding passion)
All Teams from
I have come of age in an era where teams have been very good -the Sox have won two championships, the Patriots three, the Celtics one. I don’t have any recollection of as being a town tortured by the Sox inability to get over the hump. Thus, I hate listening to them still cry about how they hate the Yankee’s and how the Yankee’s have a huge pay roll. Shut up about that, your payroll is also huge, you can’t say clam chowder correctly (or the name of your own city), I did like Goodwill Hunting, and I don’t like that Rajon Rondo and Ray Allen are clearly aliens. I do like Ray actually.
I don’t really hate the Sox that much but I really hate their fans. I hate that having a hat is now trendy and they have pink hats. You are no longer a tortured franchise. The Royals or the Cubs, or my little league 0-20 Marlins are tortured franchises. A few weeks ago after a Nats game where they played the Mets, my buddy almost got into a fight with some Boston Fans. They were wearing their hats to the game and in the metro afterward and my friend, emboldened by a few adult beverages decided to call them out. “Wow, didn’t think an team would be playing in an NL park. Ya, you heard, it’s crazy that Baaasssttan is playing here tonight.” Long story short, my buddy and I were cowed by his Venezualan girlfriend and the altercation never got under way but I think we would taken those chowder fed, stupid hat wearing Bostonians.
The Patriots
I like watching exciting football and for the first half of the 90’s the Patriots were the absolute antithesis of that. They played defense and eeked by late in games. They were undeniably good at what they did. But I hated watching it and my hatred had hardened by the time Satan decided to start playing Madden with them during the ’07 season only to abandon them at the pearly gates (Super Bowl). I (respected) depised Bill Belichick and his constant listing of Tom Brady as injured. I hated the fact that teams didn’t seem to realize that if Mike Vrabel was in at the goalline, he was going to catch a touchdown pass. I hated that they beat the Ram’s in the Super Bowl. I loved that gun slinging Rams team. My hatred obviously peaked when I learned that the Pats had cheated. I don’t care if the advantage they gained was negligible, the principle of the matter bothered me and only served to reinforce my hatred. That ’07 season I was forced to resort to baseless character assassination, however, to explain my hatred. They were fun to watch, Brady was amazing, but I still hated them. Thus I began to insinuate that the Patriots lacked family values as their leader, Brady, had abandoned his infant child for the hottest woman in the world (who would do such a thing). But enough on that. I hate the Patriots, I plan to devote an entire other column to why I like and dislike certain players.
The Celtics
I have a harder time justifying my hatred for the Celtic’s because, over the last several years, they have played good basketball. However, as an ardent supporter of Lebron, I am obligated to hate his nemesis. As a side note, I hate just how boring ’s is during press conferences.
They are easily ’s biggest rival. Every year we get revved up to watch this storied rivalry. I did not hate before I went to but quickly learned the folly of my ways. is a terrible place sponsored by a terrible color (it only looks cool on the Dutch national soccer team). Seriously, do you know anyone who says “like omg, orange is my favorite color”? No, you don’t. Also, it’s winter twelve months out of the year there. It’s always winter there but never Christmas, just like in the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. I hate watching home games on television. Like Duke, they force the camera to be placed at an odd angle which hurts my viewing experience. I hate when my viewing experience is tampered with. Furthermore, Donovan McNabb’s Chunky Campbell’s soup eating ass went there, and play(ed) for the most unholy of NFL franchises.
The Eagles
They are a natural rival of the Dallas Cowboys and I absolutely loathe them. I hate that they have stifled the Cowboys throughout the 2000’s. I’m really unhappy with their recent acquisition of young offensive (use both meanings) talent in DaSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin, Brent Celek, Kevin Kolb and LaSean McCoy. LaIceFerg (me) especially hates DaSean Jackson’s attempt at a goatee. He is clearly a villain based on his little villain goatee (The entire Celtics team also has villain facial hair). A villain beard has two easily discernible qualities. It is facial hair that is not neatly kempt or trimmed and generally comes to a point somewhere below the chin (see: KG, DaSean Jackson, Ben Roethlisberger)
The Notre Dame Football Team
My hatred for Notre Dame goes well beyond their natural rivalry with the Wolverines. Yes, I do find them despicable because of this, but more importantly, I hate that Notre Dame has decided that it is above conference play. I understand that they have a lucrative television contract with NBC that incentivizes this behavior. However, their assumption that they will ever be relevant again outside of a major power conference is ridiculous. Playing Navy, Army, , Air Force, and whatever other cupcakes they throw on the schedule every year does not make them a powerhouse. Sure, they play some competition from the Big Ten and perennial cheaters USC, but they are not ever going to win a title unless they join a conference and I cannot stand their continued arrogance. The glory days are over Irish fans, and Rudy Rudiger turned out to be a questionably gay hobbit.
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